We used to like squirrels. It's funny to watch them chase each other around in the trees. The used to tease my parents' dog, Rook, by getting her to chase them and then they'd run up the backside of a tree. She'd keep right on running. Clever. My girls liked to watch them out our sliding back door. When we were setting up my parents' backyard for our wedding reception, a couple of comically irate squirrels sat high above us chattering angrily in our direction. Ah, the memories. And slightly related, I've even thought some of the mice at the pet store were cute - being properly caged and all, and entertaining my children who were delighted to see them.
I take it all back.
A couple of weeks ago we thought somebody was trying to break into our house, or was at the very least scratching the wall outside our bedroom for fun, until we came to the conclusion that we have little critter friends in our attic. Lovely. Then we found evidence of their unwanted existence in our garage. So we cleaned it. The evidence was conclusive. Squirrels.
Our washer and dryer are in the garage - so I often left loads of laundry out there to be cleaned. The little demons have chewed through large bathroom towels, and two rather nice, large blankets. They also chewed through a couple pairs of leather shoes. Good times. They chewed up the handles and zipper of our nicest luggage bag. They got into food we were storing on shelves - ramen noodles and such. They ate up seeds for our garden and found a bag of bird seed we'd used for bird feeders. They gnawed on the wood of our baby crib. And there is so unfortunately more. Cooper just got down from the attic where he was trying to discover where the invaders had got in. I did not go with him. I am a wuss and it is dark and creepy up there - with or without woodland critters. He found baby clothes (newborn to just smaller than Meri), burp cloths and bibs strewn all over the place. And more disturbing - they were shredded into tiny pieces. Baby bottles with all the nipples ripped up. Breast pump and tubing destroyed. Baby car seat nibbled on. Baby walker chewed on. Tunnels made through the fiberglass, with baby onesies hidden deep down in the mazes.
I'm so mad. Does anybody have a stuffed voodoo squirrel doll that I could take it out on? Although, Coop did find one tiny dead mouse up there too, so I mustn't place all the blame on the squirrels. Regardless, I am done with them all. So this I write to the unwelcome inhabitants of my garage and attic - I will never again waste one second admiring your agility in the air as you jump between the branches. And I don't care how many times you run on that stupid wheel at Petsmart - you are most certainly not nor ever will be cute. And you are SO not allowed anywhere near my house again. Ever. Your time is up. Ye squirrels and mice, be warned. It is so on.
