The Proper Care and Feeding of Children

Chapter 1: Table Manners - how to make dinnertime enjoyable
First, You must always make sure to touch your food. If mom and dad are sneaky, and get a bite in before you get to it, put your fingers in your mouth, pull out the food, examine it, and then put it back in if it is acceptable. You never know what they might try and stuff in there when you're not looking. Heaven forbid you eat a carrot!












Then, since your fingers are now deliciously messy, rub them in your hair. Yummmm. Doesn't that feel nice?












And just when mom and dad think matters can't get worse, play a rousing game of peek-a-boo!












Oh, and this will always get em - open your mouth big and wide ... until the spoon gets there. Then the food smashes all over your face, which you can stick your fingers in, and start the game all over again. You win!












Or you could enter the stage that Meri is now perfecting, in which you decide you should always feed yourself. With a spoon or fork. Except for the fact that you don't have any idea how to do such a thing. So you should then get frustrated, and throw it all over the wall, newly cleaned floor, or, if you can reach, mom or dad. Jackpot.

Chapter 2: Personal grooming and appearance
If at all possible, make it really embarrassing for mom and dad to go out in public. You could do this with this look:












(I swear, she did this by falling on a rung at the park. Doesn't it look terrible though?)
Parents love all the suspicious looks and questions.

To be continued with more great pearls at a later date.