Thursday, September 29, 2005

Mormons and Dirty Old Women

You might have heard of the new movie American Mormon. Basically, two guys went around to different cities around the country and asked people what they knew about Mormons. I found a list of some of the things they heard, and have included some of my favorites--with, of course, some of my own brilliant commentary (in italics).

DISCLAIMER: If you are not LDS or are not extremely familiar with the LDS Church or the culture of its members, then proceed with caution. This is humor--if you have actual questions about the Church or anything you read here, feel free to ask in the comments section or click on the LDS Church link in the right sidebar. Now, on to the fun.

Q: What do you know about Utah?

"I had saw the church. I love that golden bugle they have, (the) bugle boy on top of the church."
I have such a hard time criticizing grammar and the uselessness of comments when they're just so darn nice!

"We couldn't find a bottle of wine anywhere."
Why were you looking for one? Sinner!

"I don't know, something about lizard people."
That's the only way the people could survive in a desert wasteland such as this.

Q: What do you know about the Mormons?

"What do I know about Mormons? Oh, enough."
Apparently not if you don't want to know more!

"Crazy religious group."
First intelligent comment yet.

"It's close to Christian, isn't it?"
I think that's right--where is Christian again? Isn't that near Tremonton?

"Oh, I'd rather not talk about that."
And we don't want you to talk about subjects that are uncomfortable for you. Unless, of course, two nicely dressed young men with nametags knock on your door. I highly suggest that you talk to them.

Q: If you had one piece of advice for Mormons, what would it be?

"Become a Catholic."

Q: What are Mormons like?

"I think a while ago they couldn't drink caffeine, until they bought Pepsi and cola companies. Now you can drink it."
A while ago we couldn't walk either. Then we bought Nike. Thank goodness, I was getting really tired of crawling everywhere.

"They're very peppy."
It's all of the newly-purchased caffeinated beverages.

"They have their own Bible, I know that."
Everyone should own at least one.

"When I think of Mormons I think of BYU, all the people there. Clean cut guys."
Yeah, we're sexy.

"They try to stay to the old ways. Like They're not into the big technology. They try to stick to the way they used to do things. They certainly don't have computers or phones. I imagine they're still churning butter. Just kind of riding in their wagon to the neighbors'."
I never did understand the confusion with the Amish. However, there is nothing better than freshly churned butter straight from the barrel. Just the way mom used to make it.

Q: What do they look like?

"I think they're blond and very waspy."
Those are Swedes.

"They had those scarf things on their head, very plain, no makeup."
I don't know about you, but wearing a scarf on the head sounds exciting to me--anything but plain.

"They're usually dressed in dark pants and a white shirt. And a backpack."
The backpack is to keep all of our bugles, caffeinated beverages, and bibles.

"Sounds like white Jehovah's Witnesses."
What do you say to this?

"I know you're not supposed to drink. I don't think dancing is good. They outlawed dancing."
Great news! Now I have an excuse to hate dancing!

"They got to be in early on Saturday night."
That's so we can get an early start on the butter-churning.

"You can't go on 'The Real World.' That girl got kicked out of Brigham Young."
That wasn't because she was Mormon. That's because she was an idiot. We don't like idiots here at BYU.

"They can't drink, smoke, chew or chase dirty old women. They are allowed to gamble."
Ha! My personal favorite. Aside from the obvious questions, I want to know if we're allowed to chew dirty young women or if it's just restricted to the dirty elderly ones.

"From what I've seen of Mormons they've just got too much superstition if you ask me. From what I've seen, they seem to think everything is evil -- makeup and certain dressing. They're very insecure about the outside world."
Duh. Everything is evil.

"They believe they should have a lot of children so they can save their souls. Every baby not born to a Mormon family is like condemned forever."
I can't argue with logic!

"We have heard that they have a kind of coming-of-age celebration where they can kind of let loose for a while and see what they think. Like a Mardi Gras of sorts. Where're they're allowed to let their hair down and see how the other half lives. I was watching it on the Discovery Channel."
I can't argue with the Discovery Channel!

"I know they believe in God, but I think they got the Bible a little mixed up."
At least we have our own.

"Don't they believe something weird, like only 140 people can get into heaven or something?"
We believe in lots of weird stuff. That's just the beginning!

"As a Catholic, we confess to a priest. They stand up and confess to each other. In a big meeting that lasted forever."
Please! Just bear testimony of the gospel, people!!!"

"They believe that after you die, if you're a Mormon, you become like ruler of your own little planet or your old little world. Yeah."
I call Saturn!

"I like the fact that you guys are clean cut and have a good reputation, but you guys need to do a little more outreach. Let people know who you are."
I have an idea. Let's have 60,000 young, conspicuously dressed men and women travel the world just to tell people about us! I'm a genius!

Well, that's enough technology for me! I'm gonna hop on my wagon, head down to Vegas, let my hair down and get crazy with some cola baby!


Savvymom said...

I think my favorite one was about testimony meeting. A bishop should use that quote when sharing with others ONCE AGAIN about what we do and do not say over the pulpit. How did you find all this information?

Coop said...

Yeah, that's a great one. To find them I looked up something that had to do with Mormons, and that was one of the first non-anti-mormon things that came up. It's a feature in a small Utah paper... I can't remember what. I probably should have included that info, eh? Something about plagiarism.

Th. said...


Oh, Coop!

I am so glad you did this. I have heard nothing about this film but now my primary life goal will be to see it. Reading it about killed me. I'm

And much more educated. Mormons! Who knew?

Aaron Shafovaloff said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Coop said...

I left the "comment deleted" thing there so that everyone knows that there was a comment there. It was a link given by an anti-Mormon named Aaron. I'm not just deleting it forever and pretending that it never happened because the young man actually seemed sincere. I did delete the comment, however, because it contained a link to a site that professed to be some sort of a theological encyclopedia on Mormons, but ended up being quite fictional and offensive. I left a link to his profile where you can still find the site and visit if you want to.

coopsis said...

Coop, you really are a great writer...especially for someone who was such a little twirp while we were growing up. But then hey, I never thought I'd be singing the Oscar Mayer Wiener song at the top of my lungs just to get a laugh from my kids. Hah! Life, aint it great!?!