Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Pet Peeves

Although I notice the continuing trend of bloggers abusing the privilege to blog by using it only to complain about the world and am irritated by the pattern (which is, in itself, a complaint), I will now join the ranks.

Because I was, again, nearly made late to work (and would therefore have had my perfect punctuality ruined) by an overly cautious driver who refused to turn right until the light turned green despite there being no vehicles between that car and St. Louis, I find it entirely appropriate to voice my frustration right now over some entirely preventable weaknesses that my brothers and sisters of the human family cannot seem to overcome (wow . . . what a sentence!). In doing so, I hope that both of you who read this will understand that I wish no harm on those who perpetrate these gross errors, nor do I cuss (it means swear) at them under my breath. Nope. That never happens. I only wish to bring these issues to the forefront of the minds of my countless readers so that if you are thinking of committing these really-close-to-unpardonable sins you may reconsider.

1) Driving in Utah. This may not be entirely preventable--I only ask that everyone do it as little as possible. Every time I leave the parking lot of my complex I regret the fact that I won't graduate (and therefore flee these motorists--a term used loosely) for another year.

2) Mass e-mails from coworkers in a building located fifteen minutes north advising all within walking distance of the delicious, free, twelve-course leftovers in the break room--hypothetically speaking, of course. I just mention it because if it ever happened it seems like it would be really annoying. Also hypothetically, TAKE ME OFF THE MAILING LIST!!! . . . If that ever happens. Yeah.

3) The use of the word (again, a loosely used term) "anyways." Please, in the name of everything grammatically correct, stop. Use "anyway." Use "anyhoo." Use "I can't think of what to say here because I can't say 'anyways.'" I don't care. You know, I'm not sure the word "anyhoo" could ever be used in intelligent conversation. As I hear a voice saying it in my head right now . . . yep (see #4).

4) The use of the word "anyhoo."

5) The "blessing" of the ice cream and cookies at church functions. Saying a prayer of thanks for the tasty treats is entirely appropriate. Asking for the sugar-laden comestibles (thanks for the word, Ambrosia) to "nourish and strengthen" the bodies they enter seems, at the very least, asinine. (Man, that's a great word.)

6) The Yankees. I hate them.

Although I recognize the fact that a list of six items aesthetically disagreeable, I can feel my mood worsening as I think of all of the worst things in the world (yes, the Yankees are included). So I will return to thinking about how my wife almost went into labor last night! I hope none of you have lists of pet peeves that include people who can only seem to talk about spouses or children. I have a suspicion that there will be more of that from me.


Cicada said...

1) According to those who post on your site, 33% of your readership does not own a car. 33% of your readership is from Utah, drives a car in Utah, and caused an accident yesterday. 33% of your readership is *unknown*.

2) You're still within walking distance. It's just that the goods may all be gone by the time you get there. Question: If we all started going there whenever we got those emails, how long would it take for our supervisors to make sure we're removed from the list?

3) Ironically, it took a Frenchman harrassing me on my incorrect use of "anyways" to actually ever make me stop. But anyways. That's another story.

4) Very astute.

5) Alternate suggestions:

*Please bless us to find wise ways to use the hundreds of calories we are about to consume.

*Please especially bless Sister Smith at this time, whose hips can't possibly get any larger. Bless her with the ability to choose not to eat.

*Please increase our metabolisms and not our pant sizes.

*Please bless us that we might be as generous with our fast offerings as we obviously have been in providing ourselves with this sugar-rife bounty.

6) I have been accused of alluding to my Canadianism too much in my blog, but here I can't resist: In Canada, we call all Americans "Yanks." That's our racial slur for you.

Nemesis said...

And let me add, as one who lives in the great white building up north, that half the time those emails are cruel, cruel frauds. What they MEAN to say is, "There are 4 mint brownies in the breakroom and I've already told my 6 friends about them." So by the time you jump up and join the herd downstairs there's nothing to see but a box full of crumbs and a catfight or two.

Christer said...

You forgot about the Lakers & the son of the devil himself, Kobe. Shouldn't that be on your list?

Coop said...

Christer: Expect another list altogether come basketball season.